I think I am born as someone who love to talks, sharing story, my feelings, my emotions. I love to share every moments with someone that I close. Me and my parents rarely talks or update about each others. They are not listening to what I want to share. As I grow old, we don't talk much. But we still in a good condition. You know what I meant? I still ask what they want to eat, nags, playing with our cats, talking about our cats. The only topic we don't talk is about ourself.
So, I always talks with my friends and want to update them what I feel, what kind of movies that I watch, how's I feel. But when they don't do the same things, I feel betray. I feel like it's a one side relationship. This is the main reasons why I always distant myself with my friends few years ago especially the one who never share their feelings.
Then one day I realize, I am obsessed. I craved for love. I crave for a relationship. When things don't works the way that I want, I run away. I shut off people. I don't want to talk to them.And again I crave into my room and filled my self with loneliness.
Then I hits the end roads during mco. My days feel so lonely. I spend my days alone lying on my bed. Some days were hard, some days were filled with activities. Sometimes I updated my friends what I do. But then I feel like I'm such a bothersome. They don't even update about themself. I always wonder but I don't want to ask. But again, its an obsession. I will always update them about me.
Don't talk about mco with me. because it's a painful moments. I even cry while writting about mco or thinking how i get through mco with my loneliness. How? As usual I update my friends how hard and painful for me. And again, sometimes their responds make me feel more miserable. So at one point i stop updating about myself and get through it alone. As time pass by, mco is lifted and I met my friends.
Do I find ways to overcome it? No. lolBut I found the roots of my loneliness. For now, i will accepting it as part of myself. Embrace it and learn how to live with loneliness. Telling myself, it is normal to feel this way, so don't beat yourself too much.
I remember I wrote this in my diary " you are beautiful when you are loved but you will be more beautiful when you are in love with yourself " I think I read it somewhere. I can't remember.
Sometimes I wish I am not this complicated. I wish I am not someone who feel or think too much. I feel like i am emotionally drained. Sometimes I wish I am not born with this kind of personality.
But hey, chin up buttercup.
