i thought about what 'real' friends is, and i don't know the real answer to it. for me, i don't have lot of friends. i am very reserve so when i treat people differently, i care differently, it means i start to open my heart to receive and give more love. somehow, deep down i also want my friends to treat me differently like i treat them. but i guess it's impossible to always keep people you love and it's impossible for you to always stay in their heart.

i am being hard on myself. i am being hard for my friends with my mental illness. i keep isolated myself. i keep feel the loneliness beneath my blood. its cold. its hurts. i can't stop beating myself.

so i am appreciate to some of my friends that know how to comfort me or stay with me when i am not feel okay.

i'm tired.

/what am i to you- norah jones/

Last few weeks, I went to Penang with my friends. We plan this trip for a month before but let just consider it as a last minute trip. lol.  Despite our last minute plan, this trip went smoothly and I personally enjoy the trip.

I just finished my finals few days ago. Final feel like shit and I don't want to see shit results. lol. Yas, my sem breaks finally begun, and there is me lying around lazily with my phone. Well I do try to be productive as I plan before sem breaks and.. I try [ehm]

My biggest plan is to be a productive person and minimalist. I also want to get rid depression because i'm tired bringing myself down all the time. yas all the time and I also worry about my depression's side effect. Sometimes, I cant remember people around me, things that i want to do, go bla bla, so suffocating. I even forget how to turn off my calculator!

So I decided to change,

Until, I had a thoughts " will I able to live without depression? " funny right? but somehow I am scared. I been living with my depression for the past 4 years and every single day, I bring myself down because I think I don't deserve this happiness, this is not right, I should be sad right now not happy and I am pro bringing myself down. I had a sad life and heart. A sad battle. I hate every single things about myself because I hate my own self. How fat I am, how stupid I am, how careless I am and so on. I live with my negative thoughts. How to live happily? always had a positive thoughts and love yourself? I never do that and I don't know how. Will I able to get rid my depression and anxiety? Will I able to live without depression? Am I able live life to the fullest?

Maybe I will? I still have to control my thoughts forever. lol Because I love to think and always had a thoughts about something and that just me. I just want to reduce the amount of sadness I felt, try to differentiate my emotion not just to feel sadness. yas its complicated.

Thats why I always said to people, never never wish to have a depression because once u enter it, u wont easily get away.

So, that my thoughts few minutes ago  lol. I never imagine myself living without mental illness but I do wish I will get better in the future. After all, life is short :)