You probably wonder why I end up writing this post at 1 am. I feel unsure why I feel this way, and I feel so restless about not letting this feeling out. Was it because I feel like I am not ready to bloom into adulthood? Was it because I am not sure if I can manage myself? Was it because my routine is not the same anymore? Was it because I hate myself for lacking communication? Was it because I could not convey what I wanted to explain in words? Was it because I was eating Mcd almost every day? 

There are so many things that I'm not sure about. Is that the main reason why I feel this way? But one thing I am sure of, I have so many fears beneath my blood. I can feel it triggers my emotions. I fear losing my parents. I fear death. I fear I was unable to cope with adulting. I fear changes. I fear I might lose myself. I fear depression. I fear I will be left alone one day. I was thinking about stopping texting people. I feel like it's burdensome. Not for me but them. I don't know why I always fear that, but I always text them. 

I want to talk. I want to talk about every little thing that I felt, what's happening throughout the day. How I feel. I want to feel connected. But idk

I wish I am not the type that overthinks too much. Adios.

I haven't update about my life for few months, honestly I am busy with my studies from week 1 until final exam ended last 2 week. Can u imagine how busy I am with assignment, test, final, presentation, tuto. This sem are very tough tho, I hope I don't fail any subject and pass with flying colours :(  Somehow, I can understand why there are 2 students died because of overwork because you have no choice but to stay up to submit your works. Student life.... 

I am preparing myself for internship and honestly, I am scared because I don't think I can survive alone. But... damn a new phase of life that every students go through.  I pray I get a company with a nice colleague, kind and cool internship friends and I hope internship won't be too tough on me. I had a very bad working experience during part time.... bodyshamming sucks. 

2021 are so tough on me, it start with my mom were forced to stop working since she were unable to work anymore. I kind of understand tho, but their ways are too dirty, how can you treat someone sick like that. At the beginning of the semester, I can't focus on my studies and even my life. 

On 28 May, my dad are tested + and I kind of expecting the results? Because he had very high fever for 5 days but on his first swab test, the result come out negative. But I am 100% sure that he is positive since most of his colleges are positive. I want to go for PCR but at that time, 24 hours result PCR are expensive, RM300+. Email for swab test at KK but need to wait for a week. I decide to take RTK again since it's the fastest and my dad start to having chest pain and were unable to breath. Before swab test, I start to packed my dad clothes, just in case... His oxygen level still at a normal rate 95. At that, we went to cac, because my dad short breath. At the cac, suddenly, he can't breath and his oxygen level drop to 83. Cac gave him oxygen and refer to the hospital, asking me few details of my dad since he can't talk. Both of us, already first dose vaccine and only few days away for second dose :( 

He immediately transfer to the hospital, and I thought at that time, it will be the last time I saw him. But I pray vaccination works. At least reduce the risk.... I pick up my mom at dialysis center and immediately start quarantine and book for rtk test for both of us. Praise to Allah, both of us negative maybe because my dad partially vaccinated so both of us were not infected. 

After 5 days at the hospital, dr discharge him and continue isolated himself at house. He still can't breath prob because his lung were infected, and he still don't have energy to walk or even talk. He lose so much weight that, it breaks my heart (now he gained back all his weight and its annoying coz I need to cook things that he likes only ahaha). After the quarantine end, ppv immediately called me for my second dose vaccination. 

And then, life continue as usual, I am busy taking care of 2 picky eater at my house hahaha. Talking about that, I haven't think what should I cook today? hahaha. After the finals end, at first I feel so lonely, because I haven't spend my days doing nothing for few 5 months. Suddenly, I am free from workload, but luckily I can spend my time with mom arguing for stupid things ahaha. I cherish every moment that I spend with cik too cause I know, once she start working and I start study, all of the things that we enjoy now ( playing clay, watching movies and drama together, side note: HP ) will be difficult enjoy together. Even Though I still feel sad, down for time to time, there are also time that I am grateful someone were there beside me. I hope I will be able to be there too for them. 

I watch home town cha cha, most of people might think this drama is too meh, but for me, the drama suit my cups of tea. It's calming, heartwarming of small village with little bit of cliche romance haha okayla tak ada orang jahat yg over sangat. Senang cerita typical lifestyle la mcm hidup org biasa yang tak ada drama sangat. Siapa je hidup dia mcm drama melayu, drama penthouse kan. 

This scene remind me of a movie cry me a sad river, that I watch few days ago. It hits me cause it's remind me of my life. A man that come with a good family background, good grades, unbroken family, argue a girl with a bad family background, poor, didn't have good grades, with a dieses, being bullied at school that why a girl didn't look on a good/bright side. 

Eventhough both of them grow up together, does't meant that they grow up the same. 

Sometimes, people said that I should just be grateful that my parents still alive. I do. I am. For them, I am jealous for a silly things. But it just that I wish I can do the same. I won't able to go out and spend time with my mom, going for a holiday just like others people. I grow up taking care of my mom since primary school. I never blame her for being sick. I can see her regretting for not taking care of herself better. Blaming will hurts her more. I believe, it is my fate. Even now if she's accompany me in the kitchen, I feel so good. 

But seeing other able to go for holidays with their parents, spend time with their siblings, going out with their moms, things that I can't and won't able to do for the rest of my life, is it wrong for me to be jealous?  

All of us grow up differently, some without parents, some with broken but healthy family, some happy but unwell family, some were very close with their family, some were not. 

As for me, I grow up alone, taking care of my parents alone, bear all the pain alone, I go through everything alone since I were child. It is not wrong for me to feel jealous on things that people think small but it means a lot for me. There nothing that a child want from their parents but to stay healthy for a long time so that we can spend more time together in future. 

Little but long update? hahaha annyeong

All praise to Allah, today I feel like learning a new things, which rare but today is exceptional. Usually, I woke up at 6am and start my day scrolling shopee. After subuh I will water my plants, open windows and door, straight go to kitchen washing last night dish because I sleep early than my parents, sometimes my dad will wash his and my mom's dish but sometimes not. No complaint since I'm tired of nagging. 

Anyways, today I woke up a little bit late, 6.20 since I sleep at 10 yesterday listening to clubhouse lol. It's kind of boring if you hate to listen to others people (strangers) rank? but sometimes the topic are interesting such as challenges of fintech and startup, what is the challenge keto, financial mistakes that everyone shouldn't do, tips for beginner mom. I join any room that sound interesting and beneficial for me. 

Last night, the topics is about level grateful. Sometimes, we don't realise that we put certain goals, and we will only be grateful when we reach that goals. For example, I want to purchase a house, but my financial is not stable to purchase a house. So I feel sad and hopeless because everyone has purchase their own house. So I will only be grateful when I purchase a house. However, why didn't I be grateful for what I have now? At least I live in a house, even though it's rent, small and ugly but it's also part of rezeki that Allah gave to me? 

Did we realize that our surrounding especially social media makes us becoming ungrateful person. Of course, everyone have their own goals, but you shouldn't forget what you have now. If you see in tiktok or instagram, everyone will post something with a caption that they are grateful finally Allah granted them a big house, expensive cars, expensive handbag. Jarang orang post suami beli handbag RM10 dan thank to Allah for this big rezeki? 

Clearly, social media indirectly make us feel ungrateful only when we obtain something like another person. Yesterday when I scroll insta, I saw a post with 2 picture. The first one is small house and the second one is a big house. The caption is "mintak ni (small house) dapat ni (big house)". I am very surprised because I didn't realize this before hearing this issues in clubhouse. 

I quickly istifar, and said to myself, "I am grateful with what I have now, Ya Allah please remove ungratefulness from my heart so that I don't turn away easily from You" 

Anyways, this is very small topics, but I wish I realize it sooner, I am not blaming anyone or point a finger to any person, this is just a short note to myself, everytime I feel ungrateful with what I have because of social media and my surrounding. 

Have a nice day with a grateful heart!

 I feel lost. I got so much works to do and yet, I am feeling down and demotivated. I feel empty and hurts. 

"What should I do now?"

"I am not only physically hurts but mentally hurts too"

"How can I stop this pain?"

"Are you okay?"

I ask myself again "are you okay?" then I burst into tears. 

" even if its hurt... it's okay"

" even if its hurt... it's okay"

"it's okay"

"it's okay"

"it's okay... don't hurt yourself" 

I feel like I'm battling alone. Even though I reach out for a hand, it seems everyone are too busy to notice. 

"it's okay"