I just finished my finals few days ago. Final feel like shit and I don't want to see shit results. lol. Yas, my sem breaks finally begun, and there is me lying around lazily with my phone. Well I do try to be productive as I plan before sem breaks and.. I try [ehm]
My biggest plan is to be a productive person and minimalist. I also want to get rid depression because i'm tired bringing myself down all the time. yas all the time and I also worry about my depression's side effect. Sometimes, I cant remember people around me, things that i want to do, go bla bla, so suffocating. I even forget how to turn off my calculator!
So I decided to change,
Until, I had a thoughts " will I able to live without depression? " funny right? but somehow I am scared. I been living with my depression for the past 4 years and every single day, I bring myself down because I think I don't deserve this happiness, this is not right, I should be sad right now not happy and I am pro bringing myself down. I had a sad life and heart. A sad battle. I hate every single things about myself because I hate my own self. How fat I am, how stupid I am, how careless I am and so on. I live with my negative thoughts. How to live happily? always had a positive thoughts and love yourself? I never do that and I don't know how. Will I able to get rid my depression and anxiety? Will I able to live without depression? Am I able live life to the fullest?
Maybe I will? I still have to control my thoughts forever. lol Because I love to think and always had a thoughts about something and that just me. I just want to reduce the amount of sadness I felt, try to differentiate my emotion not just to feel sadness. yas its complicated.
Thats why I always said to people, never never wish to have a depression because once u enter it, u wont easily get away.
So, that my thoughts few minutes ago lol. I never imagine myself living without mental illness but I do wish I will get better in the future. After all, life is short :)
