NJJAT

Gratefulness

Friday, February 26, 2021

All praise to Allah, today I feel like learning a new things, which rare but today is exceptional. Usually, I woke up at 6am and start my day scrolling shopee. After subuh I will water my plants, open windows and door, straight go to kitchen washing last night dish because I sleep early than my parents, sometimes my dad will wash his and my mom's dish but sometimes not. No complaint since I'm tired of nagging.

Anyways, today I woke up a little bit late, 6.20 since I sleep at 10 yesterday listening to clubhouse lol. It's kind of boring if you hate to listen to others people (strangers) rank? but sometimes the topic are interesting such as challenges of fintech and startup, what is the challenge keto, financial mistakes that everyone shouldn't do, tips for beginner mom. I join any room that sound interesting and beneficial for me.

Last night, the topics is about level grateful. Sometimes, we don't realise that we put certain goals, and we will only be grateful when we reach that goals. For example, I want to purchase a house, but my financial is not stable to purchase a house. So I feel sad and hopeless because everyone has purchase their own house. So I will only be grateful when I purchase a house. However, why didn't I be grateful for what I have now? At least I live in a house, even though it's rent, small and ugly but it's also part of rezeki that Allah gave to me?

Did we realize that our surrounding especially social media makes us becoming ungrateful person. Of course, everyone have their own goals, but you shouldn't forget what you have now. If you see in tiktok or instagram, everyone will post something with a caption that they are grateful finally Allah granted them a big house, expensive cars, expensive handbag. Jarang orang post suami beli handbag RM10 dan thank to Allah for this big rezeki?

Clearly, social media indirectly make us feel ungrateful only when we obtain something like another person. Yesterday when I scroll insta, I saw a post with 2 picture. The first one is small house and the second one is a big house. The caption is "mintak ni (small house) dapat ni (big house)". I am very surprised because I didn't realize this before hearing this issues in clubhouse.

I quickly istifar, and said to myself, "I am grateful with what I have now, Ya Allah please remove ungratefulness from my heart so that I don't turn away easily from You"

Anyways, this is very small topics, but I wish I realize it sooner, I am not blaming anyone or point a finger to any person, this is just a short note to myself, everytime I feel ungrateful with what I have because of social media and my surrounding.

Have a nice day with a grateful heart!

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lost

Saturday, January 16, 2021

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loneliness

Friday, October 16, 2020

I haven't talk or share about my loneliness for a long time. It's because i start to feel ashamed or mad at myself for my own emotions. Because I feel like I'm not normal?

I think I am born as someone who love to talks, sharing story, my feelings, my emotions. I love to share every moments with someone that I close. Me and my parents rarely talks or update about each others. They are not listening to what I want to share. As I grow old, we don't talk much. But we still in a good condition. You know what I meant? I still ask what they want to eat, nags, playing with our cats, talking about our cats. The only topic we don't talk is about ourself.

So, I always talks with my friends and want to update them what I feel, what kind of movies that I watch, how's I feel. But when they don't do the same things, I feel betray. I feel like it's a one side relationship. This is the main reasons why I always distant myself with my friends few years ago especially the one who never share their feelings.

Then one day I realize, I am obsessed. I craved for love. I crave for a relationship. When things don't works the way that I want, I run away. I shut off people. I don't want to talk to them.And again I crave into my room and filled my self with loneliness.

Then I hits the end roads during mco. My days feel so lonely. I spend my days alone lying on my bed. Some days were hard, some days were filled with activities. Sometimes I updated my friends what I do. But then I feel like I'm such a bothersome. They don't even update about themself. I always wonder but I don't want to ask. But again, its an obsession. I will always update them about me.

Don't talk about mco with me. because it's a painful moments. I even cry while writting about mco or thinking how i get through mco with my loneliness. How? As usual I update my friends how hard and painful for me. And again, sometimes their responds make me feel more miserable. So at one point i stop updating about myself and get through it alone. As time pass by, mco is lifted and I met my friends.

Do I find ways to overcome it? No. lolBut I found the roots of my loneliness. For now, i will accepting it as part of myself. Embrace it and learn how to live with loneliness. Telling myself, it is normal to feel this way, so don't beat yourself too much.

I remember I wrote this in my diary " you are beautiful when you are loved but you will be more beautiful when you are in love with yourself " I think I read it somewhere. I can't remember.

Sometimes I wish I am not this complicated. I wish I am not someone who feel or think too much. I feel like i am emotionally drained. Sometimes I wish I am not born with this kind of personality.

But hey, chin up buttercup.

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