Last few weeks, I went to Penang with my friends. We plan this trip for a month before but let just consider it as a last minute trip. lol.  Despite our last minute plan, this trip went smoothly and I personally enjoy the trip.

I just finished my finals few days ago. Final feel like shit and I don't want to see shit results. lol. Yas, my sem breaks finally begun, and there is me lying around lazily with my phone. Well I do try to be productive as I plan before sem breaks and.. I try [ehm]

My biggest plan is to be a productive person and minimalist. I also want to get rid depression because i'm tired bringing myself down all the time. yas all the time and I also worry about my depression's side effect. Sometimes, I cant remember people around me, things that i want to do, go bla bla, so suffocating. I even forget how to turn off my calculator!

So I decided to change,

Until, I had a thoughts " will I able to live without depression? " funny right? but somehow I am scared. I been living with my depression for the past 4 years and every single day, I bring myself down because I think I don't deserve this happiness, this is not right, I should be sad right now not happy and I am pro bringing myself down. I had a sad life and heart. A sad battle. I hate every single things about myself because I hate my own self. How fat I am, how stupid I am, how careless I am and so on. I live with my negative thoughts. How to live happily? always had a positive thoughts and love yourself? I never do that and I don't know how. Will I able to get rid my depression and anxiety? Will I able to live without depression? Am I able live life to the fullest?

Maybe I will? I still have to control my thoughts forever. lol Because I love to think and always had a thoughts about something and that just me. I just want to reduce the amount of sadness I felt, try to differentiate my emotion not just to feel sadness. yas its complicated.

Thats why I always said to people, never never wish to have a depression because once u enter it, u wont easily get away.

So, that my thoughts few minutes ago  lol. I never imagine myself living without mental illness but I do wish I will get better in the future. After all, life is short :)

Fuh, I been mia for quite long time and deactive this blog since 3 months ago. Oh actually I did not realize that this blog is on the private mood lol sorry i'm not in a good state of mind. Basically during my morning writing routine; i, suddenly missing this ' boring ' blog. so here I am writing again :) well, it is my first morning writing today, yes i knew about this amazing routine few days ago, so yeah, I should give a try and see how it's works for me but I knew writing is an important part to express yourself ;)

Well last few week, my mood were unstable. I cried laugh sleep and thinking thinking thinking. I even cried when madam S shared her hard times about how she lost herself. She said that she was thinking where did her true self go? Her passion, her dream, her happiness. What did she do to herself until she did not realize she choose the wrong path. I understand her so bad because i through the same things. At least, she knows her passion compare to this stupid girl who knows nothing about herself, happiness and passion.