4/1/2020 —She passed away

So sad i wasn’t able to see you for the last time. I know few days ago was my last time i kiss your cheeks and forehead.

But i had hoped

That i will see you again on Saturday. I will visit you after exam.

I came to visit you but you not there anymore. Im too late. Just few hours late.

Its surreal.

Kids laugh fills our sorrow. I feel like i came home for raya.

I feel like you still here. With us. When I enter the house. Your bed still there.

I laugh and smile a lot that day. Because i feel like you still here.

But deep down i know you not here anymore.

Can you see my shaking shoulder? Holding tears denying reality. Remembers all the memories with you.

I feel empty when i arrived at home.

My heart hurts so much. Longing for you..

2020 in less than 10 minutes.

How was 2019?

Great I think? Honestly better than 2018. 2017 and 2018 - year where I battle with worst depression.

2019 don't have a good start. Problems in relationship really break me down. But now we are fine. I meant I already know where to stand but sometimes it hurts me knowing where I should stand and where I want to stand. But I guess that's life

Sometimes I wonder, do they regret it? Doing things that causes misunderstanding and causes me pain. Sometimes I think I am fool. To keep the relationship as before. As nothing happen. Trying to be closer to them. But sometimes I do think I am doing the right things.

I meant who care right?

Anyways, 2019 doest end well. Someone I love dearly gonna leave me sooner or later. I cant watch her lying on bed unconsciously. I met her last night, hoping that this not going to be last one. Hoping that, yesterday was not her last words to me.

If it is,

I sincerely thank you for all happen in the past. All of memories with you. Your nasi lemak that we always wait in the morning. I'm gonna miss your cooking. Im gonna miss how you always ask me how university, how you always tell me to always be strong as the only child, how you always tell me to be grateful what's dad can give to me.

I sincerely love you and scare of losing you.

But if it was the best, I will let you go,

I always wonder why you always cry when advice me something,

Now I finally realise that, you were in the same shoes as mine. The only child who hold all of the burdens alone. Taking care our parents alone. Once you were in the same pain as mine. Once you also struggle as a single child. You know how tiring, lonely and hard became the only child.

I love you.

So much....

I went to Seoul, South Korea last June during summer, I cant believe it. Korea were not in my bucket list! At first I bought a ticket without thinking, book last minute hotel and last minute itinerary plan by me during finals. hahaha. I went to Korea right a day after I finish my diploma.

Some of you might think.. Seoul during Summer? Isn't hot? Its is. lol but only for the first day. Through out my stay, the climate were cloudy and windy. But you save money as you don't spend extra penny for clothes. One big point there